Top 3 Headlines September 1-7

Betty White Predictably Defeats Tom Petty

Disappointed Racists Resort to Conspiracy Theories After Learning Vegas Gunman was White

Trump Exhausts Third Grade Vocabulary in Describing Puerto Rico Visit


For more hard hitting journalism follow @themagictourbus on Twitter.


Top 3 Headlines September 16-22

Ozzy Osborne Announces Retirement from Music to Realize Lifelong Dream of Becoming a Speech and Diction Coach

YouTube Demonetizes Every Single Video Creating a Paradoxical Advertiser-Safe/Ad-Free Website

Republicans Come Up with Sweet New Bill to Better Kill American Children


For more hard hitting journalism follow @themagictourbus on Twitter.

The Settlers of Catan – Bloodbath Expansion

Dear Settlers,
Before you invite your trusted friends or unsuspecting enemies over to play, we suggest that you read over these “game rules.” This simplified rule sheet should only take 3 minutes to read so you can enjoy your new game faster than ever. Happy playing!

– Klaus Teuber


Game Components

  • 19 terrain hexes (tiles)
  • 16 cities
  • 6 Italian stiletto switchblades
  • 95 Resource Cards
  • 25 Development Cards
  • 1 Active Hand Grenade ™
  • 4 “Building Cost” Cards
  • 2 Special Cards

Setting Up the Game

Select a color and take your 5 settlements, 4 cities, 15 roads, and your Italian stiletto switchblade. Place your 2 roads and your 2 settlements on the game board. Place your remaining settlements, roads, and cities down in front of you. Give the Active Hand Grenade ™ to the weakest player and keep your stiletto hidden from view at all times.

Turn Overview

In Bloodbath Expansion, the player with high highest active kill count goes first. If more than one player has the same highest kill count, instead allow the weakest player to go first.

On your turn, you can do the following in the order listed:

  • You must roll for resource production.
  • You may trade resources with other players.
  • You may attack another player using your Italian stiletto switchblade if he or she refuses to trade.
  • You may use the Active Hand Grenade ™ if it is in your possession.
  • You may build roads, settlements, or cities and/or buy Development Cards.  You may also play one Development Card at any time during your turn.

Ending the Game

If you have 10 or more victory points during your turn or are the last player alive the game ends and you are the winner!

Example of Play # 1

Player 1 is currently behind and lacking the grain and ore resources preventing him from building as quickly as the other players. The game is currently in the middle stage.

Player 1 rolls an 8 and collects 2 wood resource cards.

Player 1 then attempts to trade his wood resources for Player 2’s grain or ore resources. Player 2 refuses to trade even though he is the only player who has a surplus of both grain and ore.

Player 1 calmly accepts Player 2’s rejection and begins thinking of another trade while Player 2 sits smugly in his chair, happy with his monopoly on grain and ore resources.

Player 1, with the quickness of a jackrabbit in heat, lunges across the table with his Italian stiletto and stabs Player 2 in the neck.

Players 3, 4, 5, and 6 move quickly away from the table – they want nothing to do with this shit.

“Give me all your ore!” shouts Player 1, careful not to be greedy and take Player 2’s life (and with it all his resources).

Player 2 accepts the trade – all of his ore resources in exchange for his life.

Player 1 then uses his resource cards to build 1 city before completing his turn.

Example of Play # 2

Player 1 is far behind and lacks the points to come back for a sweeping victory. Player 4 and Player 6 are both laying on the floor in a pool of their own blood after refusing a simple 2-stone-for-2-wood trade. The game is currently in the late stage.

Player 1 rolls a 5 and collects 1 grain resource card.

Players 2, 3 and 5 scan the board to see if they can collect any resources as Player 1 surreptitiously leans over to Player 4’s body and collects the Active Hand Grenade ™ from his front pocket (Player 4 was the weakest player and thus was given the grenade at the beginning of the game).

Player 1 asks to trade 3 grain for 2 wood from Player 2, who refuses the trade.

Player 5 becomes visibly angry. “That’s bullshit,” he says, brandishing his stiletto in the face of Player 2, “you haven’t traded any of your wood all game!” *

Player 1, with his hands under the table, removes the safety pin from the Active Hand Grenade ™ and releases the safety lever. He slowly backs away from the table as Players 2, 3 and 5 continue their heated argument.

Player 1 then shouts “I AM AZOR AHAI!” throwing the perfectly timed Active Hand Grenade ™ into the center of the table and diving into the adjacent room as the Active Hand Grenade ™ explodes, destroying all the remaining players.

Player 1 returns to the room and declares himself the winner.

Now you are ready for your first adventure on The Settlers of Catan: Bloodbath Expansion. Have fun settling this new land together!

*brandishing or otherwise threatening other players is perfectly permissible in Bloodbath Expansion. However, attacking an opponent out of turn is strictly forbidden and will cause the attacking player to forfeit the game immediately.

Donald Trump Re-Registers as a Democrat for No Apparent Fucking Reason

Washington D.C. – President Donald Trump has abruptly re-registered as a Democrat in the middle of his first term, the White House announced early Monday.

Lawmakers from both parties harshly criticized the move and voters from across the political spectrum expressed significant confusion.

“He’s a Democrat now?” asked Democrat Amber Sheffield from Glen Arbor, Michigan. “I don’t . . . I mean, he . . . ” she said.

Republicans echoed the sentiment.

“He’s a Democrat now?” asked Republican Marcus Swanson from Salt Lake City, Utah. ““I don’t . . . I mean, he . . . ” he said.

Trump’s complete philosophical shift – which includes accepting the LGBTQ community and increased funding for Planned Parenthood – hit Fox News particularly hard, with the scene reminiscent of a dramatic high school break-up.

“Did we do something wrong?” Steve Doocy asked his co-hosts as he tried to not to cry on national television. “I thought he liked us . . . he said he liked us,” the tearful Doocy said softly.

Late Monday, Fox’s most popular program “Condescending White Man Loves Trump,” was abruptly replaced with the new program “Generic Blonde Woman Hates Trump.”

Amid the firestorm of condemnation and confusion there seemed to be one group that remained completely unaffected by Trump’s decision.

“Hell yeah I’m a Democrat,” said longtime Trump supporter Tim Ackerson from Jackson County, West Virginia. “Woke up this morning and felt like changing parties, don’t really know why,” he said admitting that he was perfectly comfortable with the president’s new ideology – which includes more government oversight, expanding Medicare and placing restrictions on high-capacity magazines.

“Climate change is real,” Ackerson added, unprompted.

Kellyanne Conway Gaslights America into Believing that Chuck Schumer is a Dog

Washington D.C. – Kellyanne Conway has successfully gaslighted Americans into believing that New York Senator Chuck Schumer is a dog.

“Chuck always has been and always will be an aging Labrador from south central New York and there’s nothing that the mainstream media can say to change this fact,” said Conway on Face the Nation last month.

Since then, she continued her crusade across all the major news networks until Wednesday, when everyone was firmly convinced that Senator Schumer was, in fact, a sixty-five pound Black Labrador Retriever.

chuck_schumerMrs. Conway (left) speaks in front of the White House. Senator Schumer (right) waits expectantly for a treat.

“Oh yeah of course I knew he was a dog,” said Long Island resident and recent gaslighting victim Maria Patterson. “That’s why I voted for him to begin with – I wanted someone loyal to represent me in Washington” she added.

“Typical liberal bullshit,” said gaslighting casualty Scotty Ray of Old Forge, New York. “I always said ‘it ain’t legal for a dog to be a United States Senator!’ Always I said that. Always. Since he was first elected. But you know them liberals they don’t give a damn about the constitution.”

Democrats in Washington held an event last night to honor Schumer and to show support for their canine friend.

“I’ve always called Chuck the smartest dog in the room,” joked Minnesota Senator Al Franken, a close ally of Schumer who has had numerous conversations, in English, with the man he now thinks is a full-grown dog.

“I’m not a goddamn dog!” barked the angry Labrador Retriever when it was his turn to speak at the end of the ceremony. “What the hell is wrong with you people?”

“Harry, we’ve known each other for almost thirty years!” he turned and said to Congressman Harry Reid, who earlier had told the audience of the numerous walks he had taken Schumer on across Capitol Hill.

The emphatic, short-haired pup continued singling out his colleagues, some of whom he had known for decades, when Senator Franken ran back on stage.

“I’ve got another one!” he said. “Republicans might pretend to have a dog in the fight, but hey! We got Chuck!” The auditorium erupted in laughter as their canine companion tucked his tail between his legs and hung his head in defeat.

“Who’s a good boy?” asked Franken, scratching the back of the Schumer’s right ear.

“I am . . .” the despondent Senator said.

Ted Cruz, High on Jesus, Tries to Defund Programs for Starving Children

Washington D.C. – Ted Cruz, dangerously high on scripture, presented a bill to cut all government funding for starving, sick, and dying children.

“This is such a blessed day,” said Cruz standing in front of his colleagues on Capitol Hill, a bible nestled close to his chest, “and such a great opportunity to do something truly good and holy in the world.”

Cruz outlined his plan which includes cutting 6 billion dollars’ worth of food programs targeted specifically to children, 4 billion dollars’ worth of medical assistance programs to physically disabled and mentally handicapped toddlers, and 900 million dollars’ worth of aid to children with life threatening diseases.

“Through the power of the Holy Spirit we can enact this legislation and give Americans the freedom they deserve. We can kick the tyrannical government out of their homes and back into Washington,” he preached, throwing his arms up and letting his words tremble in the air like a Southern Baptist preacher.

It is unclear where Cruz had gotten such a dangerous amount of Jesus and how he managed to keep all of it in his system.

Democrats were quick to condemn the proposed legislation which would kill approximately 200,000 children within the first three days of enactment, according to the Center of Disease Control.

Senator Cruz defended his legislation by aggressively quoting scripture.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor! He has sent me to proclaim freedom, to set the oppressed free!” ranted the Senator in order to justify his proposed cuts to funding for babies born without the ability to swallow.

It remains unclear as to how the junior Senator from Texas is using the teachings of Jesus Christ – a man known for his compassion and acceptance – to justify the systematic annihilation of impoverished children.

When asked, Cruz patronizingly explained to a group of reporters what the bible is.

“The bible is a book,” he said “that’s B-O-O-K,” spelling the word out slowly.

Republicans, desperate for something that even slightly resembles a legislative victory, will consider the Senator’s bill next week.

Hurricane Irma Caught Making Offensive Statements about Caribbean Inhabitants

HAVANA – Hurricane Irma, the increasingly powerful hurricane in the Atlantic, was caught speaking in highly offensive ways about the inhabitants of Caribbean islands on Friday.

“I just start blowing on them. It’s like a magnet,” said Irma in reference to the populations of Bermuda, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Cuba. “I don’t even wait. And when you’re a hurricane they let you do it. You can do anything.”

The conversation, which has sparked outrage all across the country, took place in a private setting between Hurricane Irma and Billy Bush.

“I moved on [Bermuda] like a bitch,” Irma said to Bush’s amusement. “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything,” the hurricane added.

Residents of Florida are increasingly alarmed by Hurricane Irma, noting that its complete lack of respect coupled with its predicted path puts many residents in danger.

“Look, I honestly don’t have anything against hurricanes” said Tampa resident Martin Gutierrez, “but the way Irma talks about people? It’s so disgusting.”

Hurricane Irma’s foul and disparaging comments have not damaged its popularity, according to recent polls, with its dedicated base remaining largely unconcerned.

“At least it’s not Harvey,” said one supporter in reference to Hurricane Harvey, the highly qualified Category 5 Hurricane that landed in Houston just last week.


(I wrote this faux-news headline and lead back in 2015 before a certain someone came along and killed satire)

BREAKING: Judge Rules that Hilary Clinton’s use of Personal Twitter Account for Diplomatic Cables “Permissible,” “Understandable”

Long Island, New York
In the wake of recent controversy, a judge ruled that Hillary Clinton´s use of her personal Twitter account for government diplomacy was not only “permissible” but also “understandable,” citing the recent move in global society towards an embrace of social media, calling it “a primary vehicle for effective communication and honest dialogue.”