Donald Trump Re-Registers as a Democrat for No Apparent Fucking Reason

Washington D.C. – President Donald Trump has abruptly re-registered as a Democrat in the middle of his first term, the White House announced early Monday.

Lawmakers from both parties harshly criticized the move and voters from across the political spectrum expressed significant confusion.

“He’s a Democrat now?” asked Democrat Amber Sheffield from Glen Arbor, Michigan. “I don’t . . . I mean, he . . . ” she said.

Republicans echoed the sentiment.

“He’s a Democrat now?” asked Republican Marcus Swanson from Salt Lake City, Utah. ““I don’t . . . I mean, he . . . ” he said.

Trump’s complete philosophical shift – which includes accepting the LGBTQ community and increased funding for Planned Parenthood – hit Fox News particularly hard, with the scene reminiscent of a dramatic high school break-up.

“Did we do something wrong?” Steve Doocy asked his co-hosts as he tried to not to cry on national television. “I thought he liked us . . . he said he liked us,” the tearful Doocy said softly.

Late Monday, Fox’s most popular program “Condescending White Man Loves Trump,” was abruptly replaced with the new program “Generic Blonde Woman Hates Trump.”

Amid the firestorm of condemnation and confusion there seemed to be one group that remained completely unaffected by Trump’s decision.

“Hell yeah I’m a Democrat,” said longtime Trump supporter Tim Ackerson from Jackson County, West Virginia. “Woke up this morning and felt like changing parties, don’t really know why,” he said admitting that he was perfectly comfortable with the president’s new ideology – which includes more government oversight, expanding Medicare and placing restrictions on high-capacity magazines.

“Climate change is real,” Ackerson added, unprompted.

Kellyanne Conway Gaslights America into Believing that Chuck Schumer is a Dog

Washington D.C. – Kellyanne Conway has successfully gaslighted Americans into believing that New York Senator Chuck Schumer is a dog.

“Chuck always has been and always will be an aging Labrador from south central New York and there’s nothing that the mainstream media can say to change this fact,” said Conway on Face the Nation last month.

Since then, she continued her crusade across all the major news networks until Wednesday, when everyone was firmly convinced that Senator Schumer was, in fact, a sixty-five pound Black Labrador Retriever.

chuck_schumerMrs. Conway (left) speaks in front of the White House. Senator Schumer (right) waits expectantly for a treat.

“Oh yeah of course I knew he was a dog,” said Long Island resident and recent gaslighting victim Maria Patterson. “That’s why I voted for him to begin with – I wanted someone loyal to represent me in Washington” she added.

“Typical liberal bullshit,” said gaslighting casualty Scotty Ray of Old Forge, New York. “I always said ‘it ain’t legal for a dog to be a United States Senator!’ Always I said that. Always. Since he was first elected. But you know them liberals they don’t give a damn about the constitution.”

Democrats in Washington held an event last night to honor Schumer and to show support for their canine friend.

“I’ve always called Chuck the smartest dog in the room,” joked Minnesota Senator Al Franken, a close ally of Schumer who has had numerous conversations, in English, with the man he now thinks is a full-grown dog.

“I’m not a goddamn dog!” barked the angry Labrador Retriever when it was his turn to speak at the end of the ceremony. “What the hell is wrong with you people?”

“Harry, we’ve known each other for almost thirty years!” he turned and said to Congressman Harry Reid, who earlier had told the audience of the numerous walks he had taken Schumer on across Capitol Hill.

The emphatic, short-haired pup continued singling out his colleagues, some of whom he had known for decades, when Senator Franken ran back on stage.

“I’ve got another one!” he said. “Republicans might pretend to have a dog in the fight, but hey! We got Chuck!” The auditorium erupted in laughter as their canine companion tucked his tail between his legs and hung his head in defeat.

“Who’s a good boy?” asked Franken, scratching the back of the Schumer’s right ear.

“I am . . .” the despondent Senator said.

Ted Cruz, High on Jesus, Tries to Defund Programs for Starving Children

Washington D.C. – Ted Cruz, dangerously high on scripture, presented a bill to cut all government funding for starving, sick, and dying children.

“This is such a blessed day,” said Cruz standing in front of his colleagues on Capitol Hill, a bible nestled close to his chest, “and such a great opportunity to do something truly good and holy in the world.”

Cruz outlined his plan which includes cutting 6 billion dollars’ worth of food programs targeted specifically to children, 4 billion dollars’ worth of medical assistance programs to physically disabled and mentally handicapped toddlers, and 900 million dollars’ worth of aid to children with life threatening diseases.

“Through the power of the Holy Spirit we can enact this legislation and give Americans the freedom they deserve. We can kick the tyrannical government out of their homes and back into Washington,” he preached, throwing his arms up and letting his words tremble in the air like a Southern Baptist preacher.

It is unclear where Cruz had gotten such a dangerous amount of Jesus and how he managed to keep all of it in his system.

Democrats were quick to condemn the proposed legislation which would kill approximately 200,000 children within the first three days of enactment, according to the Center of Disease Control.

Senator Cruz defended his legislation by aggressively quoting scripture.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor! He has sent me to proclaim freedom, to set the oppressed free!” ranted the Senator in order to justify his proposed cuts to funding for babies born without the ability to swallow.

It remains unclear as to how the junior Senator from Texas is using the teachings of Jesus Christ – a man known for his compassion and acceptance – to justify the systematic annihilation of impoverished children.

When asked, Cruz patronizingly explained to a group of reporters what the bible is.

“The bible is a book,” he said “that’s B-O-O-K,” spelling the word out slowly.

Republicans, desperate for something that even slightly resembles a legislative victory, will consider the Senator’s bill next week.

Hurricane Irma Caught Making Offensive Statements about Caribbean Inhabitants

HAVANA – Hurricane Irma, the increasingly powerful hurricane in the Atlantic, was caught speaking in highly offensive ways about the inhabitants of Caribbean islands on Friday.

“I just start blowing on them. It’s like a magnet,” said Irma in reference to the populations of Bermuda, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Cuba. “I don’t even wait. And when you’re a hurricane they let you do it. You can do anything.”

The conversation, which has sparked outrage all across the country, took place in a private setting between Hurricane Irma and Billy Bush.

“I moved on [Bermuda] like a bitch,” Irma said to Bush’s amusement. “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything,” the hurricane added.

Residents of Florida are increasingly alarmed by Hurricane Irma, noting that its complete lack of respect coupled with its predicted path puts many residents in danger.

“Look, I honestly don’t have anything against hurricanes” said Tampa resident Martin Gutierrez, “but the way Irma talks about people? It’s so disgusting.”

Hurricane Irma’s foul and disparaging comments have not damaged its popularity, according to recent polls, with its dedicated base remaining largely unconcerned.

“At least it’s not Harvey,” said one supporter in reference to Hurricane Harvey, the highly qualified Category 5 Hurricane that landed in Houston just last week.

 

(I wrote this faux-news headline and lead back in 2015 before a certain someone came along and killed satire)

BREAKING: Judge Rules that Hilary Clinton’s use of Personal Twitter Account for Diplomatic Cables “Permissible,” “Understandable”

Long Island, New York
In the wake of recent controversy, a judge ruled that Hillary Clinton´s use of her personal Twitter account for government diplomacy was not only “permissible” but also “understandable,” citing the recent move in global society towards an embrace of social media, calling it “a primary vehicle for effective communication and honest dialogue.”

Trump, Putin Engaged in Graphic Phone Sex – WikiLeaks

WASHINGTON D.C – President Donald Trump has been having frequent and often graphic phone sex with Russian President Vladimir Putin for months, according to transcripts leaked to the controversial website WikiLeaks.

The three hundred page transcript was published on Monday detailing a word-for-word dialogue that only a sick pervert would actually sit down and read.

“I read every word of it,” said Vice President Mike Pence, admitting to reading all three hundred pages that were easily accessible to him in a two page summary prepared by congressional staff, “and I see nothing wrong except more evidence of improper handling of an email server by former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton,” he said.

The phone sex scandal, which only a sex-crazed masochist would continue reading about, has had little effect on Trump’s large and dedicated base.

“Hell yeah I read it,” said Tim Ackerson from Jackson County, West Virginia, “glad to know me and Trump ain’t so different after all.”

Sentiments were echoed across large swaths of Trump’s base, many of whom said they read the word-for-word transcription – an action that only a psychopathic sexual deviant would actually do.

“Read it twice,” Ackerson added, unprompted.

Democrats on Tuesday condemned the report. Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was quick to add: “How long have these calls been going on? Were these calls initiated before or after the 2016 election?”

When asked if he had read the entire three hundred page transcription, something that only a porn addict with deep seeded issues would do, or simply deferred to the two page summary, Schumer replied, “I like to be thorough.”

Special Council Robert Mueller made a rare statement regarding the transcripts late Tuesday.

“Yes, we are aware of the recent developments and I have ordered my staff to read the transcripts in full. I haven’t read them personally and am awaiting a two page summary because I am not some sort of creepy sexual delinquent,” he said.

“Seriously, what the hell is wrong with all you people?” he added.

IN-DEPTH: Recently Elected Congressman, with Zero Corporate Donations, Confused about his Role in Government.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Randall Ellington of Michigan’s fifth district won a seat in the 113th National Congress last month. However, the 59 year old is hardly celebrating due to his campaign’s complete lack of financial donors or private interests groups. Instead, Ellington, who was the only registered candidate in Michigan´s 5th, was able to take away 100% of his districts vote without so much as a penny being doted onto his campaign.

“I had no idea who he was,” said Steve Miggle of Saganaw, MI who was highly suspicions of a campaign that generated no television or radio ads. “But seeing as how he was the only one on the list I went ahead and ticked his name right off the card.”

Ellington admits he forgot he even registered his campaign with the FEC, something he blames on a dangerous mix of Ambien and rye whisky, only to see his name and face appear on the TV screen the night of the election.

“Oh shit,” was the only utterance of the newly elected congressman, according to sources with privileged access to Mr. Ellington.

Now Mr. Ellington is the only congressman with absolutely no financial backing from major corporate donors or special interest groups. The congressman admits that he is lost amidst a system that often relies on specific instructions from these larger-than-life institutions.

“Who am I here to help?” lamented Ellington in a recent interview. “What is my purpose? I feel like a doctor without any patients,” he said as his eyes rested, unfocused, on the tree outside his Rayburn Office window.

On Capitol Hill lobbyists from every corner of corporate America continue their work – rapping on congressional office doors, buzzing office phones, and taking representatives to expensive restaurants as they discuss the most pressing issues plaguing their respective industries.

All the while Ellington is left alone in his office to quietly ponder legislation that would greatly affect the national infrastructure, oil industry profits, or investment banking portfolios, all without any suggestions from industry representatives, pre-written legislative templates, or passive-aggressive comments urging the congressman to “do the right thing.”

“I just feel so left out of the process,” he said as he sat alone in the congressional lunch room speaking to know one in particular. “I didn’t even realize I was serving as a Republican.  I thought I was a Democrat.”

Ellington isn’t getting any help from his colleagues in Congress either. House majority leader Paul Ryan, when asked about the new Congressman’s role in his party, replied curtly “I thought he was a Democrat.”

The night he was delivered the terrible news about his election victory Ellington sought the advice of his elderly and senile mother. She responded with a small nugget of wisdom – or, possibly, just some dementia ridden nonsense.

“Focus on what is best for the people,” she said softly with a twinkle of wisdom – or a failing of her frontal cortex – gleaming in her eyes.

“This wonderful piece of inspiring bullshit is simply much too difficult,” the congressman later confided. “What with all the different types of people who all have differing opinions? How can you tell what is best?”

He looked back down at his desk and over at the newest budget proposal from the Congressional Budget Committee.

“Defund Planned Parenthood? I wish the Tea Party would just tell me what the right thing to do is …” and his voice trailed off as the distraught and visibly wounded man pushed the stack of papers to the side, laid his head on his desk, and cried.