WASHINGTON D.C. – Randall Ellington of Michigan’s fifth district won a seat in the 113th National Congress last month. However, the 59 year old is hardly celebrating due to his campaign’s complete lack of financial donors or private interests groups. Instead, Ellington, who was the only registered candidate in Michigan´s 5th, was able to take away 100% of his districts vote without so much as a penny being doted onto his campaign.
“I had no idea who he was,” said Steve Miggle of Saganaw, MI who was highly suspicions of a campaign that generated no television or radio ads. “But seeing as how he was the only one on the list I went ahead and ticked his name right off the card.”
Ellington admits he forgot he even registered his campaign with the FEC, something he blames on a dangerous mix of Ambien and rye whisky, only to see his name and face appear on the TV screen the night of the election.
“Oh shit,” was the only utterance of the newly elected congressman, according to sources with privileged access to Mr. Ellington.
Now Mr. Ellington is the only congressman with absolutely no financial backing from major corporate donors or special interest groups. The congressman admits that he is lost amidst a system that often relies on specific instructions from these larger-than-life institutions.
“Who am I here to help?” lamented Ellington in a recent interview. “What is my purpose? I feel like a doctor without any patients,” he said as his eyes rested, unfocused, on the tree outside his Rayburn Office window.
On Capitol Hill lobbyists from every corner of corporate America continue their work – rapping on congressional office doors, buzzing office phones, and taking representatives to expensive restaurants as they discuss the most pressing issues plaguing their respective industries.
All the while Ellington is left alone in his office to quietly ponder legislation that would greatly affect the national infrastructure, oil industry profits, or investment banking portfolios, all without any suggestions from industry representatives, pre-written legislative templates, or passive-aggressive comments urging the congressman to “do the right thing.”
“I just feel so left out of the process,” he said as he sat alone in the congressional lunch room speaking to know one in particular. “I didn’t even realize I was serving as a Republican. I thought I was a Democrat.”
Ellington isn’t getting any help from his colleagues in Congress either. House majority leader Paul Ryan, when asked about the new Congressman’s role in his party, replied curtly “I thought he was a Democrat.”
The night he was delivered the terrible news about his election victory Ellington sought the advice of his elderly and senile mother. She responded with a small nugget of wisdom – or, possibly, just some dementia ridden nonsense.
“Focus on what is best for the people,” she said softly with a twinkle of wisdom – or a failing of her frontal cortex – gleaming in her eyes.
“This wonderful piece of inspiring bullshit is simply much too difficult,” the congressman later confided. “What with all the different types of people who all have differing opinions? How can you tell what is best?”
He looked back down at his desk and over at the newest budget proposal from the Congressional Budget Committee.
“Defund Planned Parenthood? I wish the Tea Party would just tell me what the right thing to do is …” and his voice trailed off as the distraught and visibly wounded man pushed the stack of papers to the side, laid his head on his desk, and cried.